GREASING A RELATIONBSHIP



Most of us want to fall in love, be in love and stay in love and magically live happily ever after... as the story goes. We merge placing our soul in the hands of the other expecting that the relationship will provide all our happiness. We even expect our partner to know exactly what, when and how to provide this.

But fulfilling relationships do not happen automatically and they don't happen when the relationship is driven by a need rather than caring. If the relationship is going to grow we must give it our time and attention. We must each give to the other and not just be focused on what it is that we need. But often the relationship gets puts aside as the daily task of life take over. We barely have time for ourselves with our life schedule, work schedule or kid's schedules, let alone making time to focus on and give to our partner. We become distracted and tension builds up each person feeling that his/her needs for intimacy are not getting met. Each partner is waiting for the other to do something about it.


When a long time has gone by without intimacy, neither one wants to make the first move toward the other. (I call this the big stand off) Reaching out by either person does not take place. I see this so often in my psychotherapy office with couples who have not taken responsibility and brought to the relationship what was needed. What happens then is that there is a great deal to clean up that has been swept under the rug. I have to work at pealing away minor and major conflicts, disagreements, hurts, before I can get to the core problem which is that each person's core need to be loved and cared for is not getting met.

We all recognize that we need to tune up our cars, but we do not think of tuning up our relationships. We take more time with our homes, painting, fixing, redecorating, reconstructing etc. but we do not take the time with our relationships. Tensions then build up.

As with anything we aspire to, the more we put in the more we will get back. Look, for example, at a plant's life. Plants need care in order to survive and grow. They need water, fertilizer, light and air. If we do not give them these essential elements they will wither and die. Relationships are no different, they need certain essential elements in order for them to grow and proper or they too may die on the vine.

Couples need romantic time and fun together, they need a sense of security and commitment, and they need meaningful communication. This will keep the spirit in the relationship and allow each to open to the other to the point where intimacy can occur.

Here are some ways to achieve these essential elements so you can maintain a healthy and loving relationship. Integrate them into your daily life as best you can, but start today.

1) Developing romantic and fun time together. Set up your schedule to include time together. Be realistic with the amount of time your set aside. It is very important to be consistent. If you only have one hour a week, then do not plan a full day. Consistency built trust and connection lays the foundation of a healthy relationship. Both of you need to participate in deciding how and when to spend time together.

2) Developing a sense of security and commitment. Security is assurance we feel when we know someone is committed to love and values us. It's a sense that whatever conflicts or problems we have we will be fully committed to finding the solution and working together in partnership. We show our affection in little ways throughout the day with a phone call from the office or a hug when our partner returns home, or leaving a loving note on his/her car. Giving complements and expressing gratitude when your partner does something for you as simple as taking the dishes out of the dishwasher goes a long way.

3) Establishing meaningful communication. We do this by being open and honest with who we are and what we feel. We make request instead of demands, we watch our tone, and listen carefully to our partner. We share our hopes and dreams. We do this hopefully from a place of peace rather than a place of fear or blame. We express our ideas and goals for the relationship and our individual goals. We help to empower each other to fulfill our full potential and we work together to fulfill the potential of the relationship. Empowering means that we give encouragement support and believe in the other, maybe before they believe in themselves

Changing your relationship will take discipline, intention and courage. Be patient with yourself, praise yourself for all your efforts and listen to your soul sing. As we love others we are connecting with our true essence and being who we really are. If relationships are based on getting our needs met instead of by caring they are not likely to bring happiness.

I laugh each time I see people having several misconceptions about what RELATIONSHIP really stands for.

On hearing the word RELATIONSHIP, an average Nigerian Youth would tell you straight-away that Relationship is all about DATING and whatever activities it entails.

Well, permit me to refresh your Library this moment; The Noun, Relationship stands for ANY KIND OF TRANSACTION, DEAL, OR CONTRACT, WHETHER FORMAL OF INFORMAL, PLANNED OR UNPLANNED, BETWEEN OR AMONGST TWO OR MORE INDIVIDUALS. Now, you've got to know that Relationship is a general name used in referring to your "dealings" with fellow creatures. It goes beyond the "I LOVE YOU" definition.

Below are some of the Definitions and types of Relationship which we often ignore for the sake of the commonly-known RELATIONSHIP (Love and Dating);

Relationship explains the fact that you have SIBLINGS & PARENTS (Biological Relationship),

It explains the fact that you have SOMEONE you trust and would always confide in (Friendship),

It explains the fact that you have a BOSS you're working with (Working Relationship),

It explains the fact that you've got a Business Partner whom you've signed a business deal with (Business Relationship),

And above all, it tells on you when you maintain a very good rapport with your Supernatural Belief (Divine Relationship "with God").

Nonetheless, of all these types of RELATIONSHIP listed above, the most ubiquitous of all (always found everywhere) is FRIENDSHIP. Mind you, none of the Relationship types listed above can stand firmly if FRIENDSHIP is missing.

However, One BITTER Truth in Life is that FRIENDSHIP is just like a Coin of two sides; while some would testify to the Goodness in Friendship, many would share with you Testimonies of how the act has made them "who they are" at the moment.
No matter what your Experiences are about Life, 75% of the Experiences you gathered is actually born out of your Co-existence with Fellow Humans. If you're One of those in a Friendship Cobweb, here is a piece meant to tantalize your orientation as to Friendship and its Dynamics.

In the whole wide world (WWW) exists 3 kinds of Friendship out of which ALL YOUR FRIENDS must fall into one of the 3 kinds.

1. The INCOMPATIBLE:
Friends who fall under this category are those who by all indications are not in anyway in agreement with your Ideology about Life; they see you as being on the other side of life. Most times, you're not proud of calling them your Friends in the public, not because you don't like them, but because you might likewise be tagged of their Behaviour if seen in their company.

A very good example is when a Pastor's Son who is known to be very gentle with Godly behaviours now takes a well-known Tout, Agbero, Cultist & Rapist as his best of Friends.

Though, it is often said that "Bad Company corrupts Good Manners", but most times in this case, it is advisable One tries to influence such Friends positively; who knows, they might end up turning a good leaf through you, but if SYMPTOMS persist after many trial, kindly excuse such Friends to avoid being like "a Sheep pallying with a Dog".
("Agutan to ba ba Aja rin, a je Igbe")

2. SEASONAL FRIENDSHIP
Such Friends are like WIND; they blow here and there, looking for where is palatable at the moment, they hail you when you're Upstairs, but never give a damn when you drop Downstairs, they laugh when they see you, but frowns out the real Self when you're gone.

Sincerely speaking, this kind of Friendship is the hardest to detect: reason being that they are just like CHAMELEON that changes skin to suit its environment. Hardly would you know that another INNER SELF exists in them, 'cos they appear to be the ones who have always been there for you, but their being there is just to drill facts from you towards using same against you. In dealing with this set of Friends, One only needs to be systematic and wise 'cos it's like a Blind Man (YOU) fighting another Man who can see clearly in the Dark.

To identify if any of your Friends you've been suspecting falls under this category, try test him/her this way:
Tell him/her a "Fake" Secret you haven't told ANYONE in the world.
Then start observing!
You don't need to doubt any longer if you later hear that "Fake" Secret from someone else you never told.

They come to you for Assistance but still go about, telling people that you're heartless and stingy. That's WHO THEY ARE!

SEASONAL FRIENDS could be deadly. Hence, avoid them!

3. REAL FRIENDSHIP:
You are hurt, but he/she cries.
You are down, but he/she is always there to hold your hands up even higher than they were.

People hardly know how things go between both of you.
Atimes, you wonder why you're so fond of him/her even when no strings is attached.
You feel so safe and free to discuss burning issues you can't even discuss with your Parents, or even your Fiance(é): not because he/she keeps secrets but because you don't just know WHY.

Friends that fall under this kind are very rare to find. YES!
Tell them I say so.

Some might come to you in this form with the intent of gaining your ATTENTION, after which they would reveal themselves and strings attached. I call these ones the Fake REAL FRIENDS, 'cos though, they are good truly, but they are actually exhibiting these goodness with one intention or the other.

Meanwhile, REAL FRIENDS are just very NATURAL: they have NO PARTICULAR REASON for being close to you. They deal with you with much Respect; they respect everything that concerns you. Their happiness is totally tied round you 'cos they can only be happy when seeing you happy.

Guess you know what I'm talking about? *winks*
"Show me your Friend and I'll tell you WHO YOU ARE".