What does jealousy in a relationship mean?

At the root of jealousy lies fear of loss. Like many jealous partners, Kevin feared loss of their relationship, loss of self-respect, even loss of 'face' fearing how his friends would see him if he were to be 'made a fool of'. Fear makes for feelings of insecurity.
When fear lessens, so does jealousy. More than feelings of fear, jealousy also leads to a smorgasbord of other emotions such as anger, hate of love 'rivals', disgust (sometimes self-disgust), and hopelessness.
So why might a person be jealous? Kevin's ex-wife had cheated on him and he felt he'd never got over this. 'Once bitten, twice shy', he was now creating imaginary threats. We're told it's great to have 'a good imagination', but he was using his to torment himself.
Of course, if your partner is continually sexually active with other people, then jealousy is totally justified. And perhaps the whole relationship needs to be re-evaluated.
But here I want to focus on helping you if you feel unduly jealous (that's to say, there is no real or proper evidence that your partner is or has been unfaithful to you). These tips also focus on sexual jealousy rather than, say, being jealous of the amount of time your partner spends with their mother or kids.
So how can we start to break the jealousy cycle, reclaim self-control, and stop driving our partners and ourselves crazy?

1) It may sound trite, but how about you believe your partner?

Yes, take them at their word. If they do lie to you, then they are not making a fool out of anyone but themselves - remember that. It's been said that trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. It's very insulting for your partner to have you always doubting their word or decency of behaviour. Constant questioning by you can even be as destructive as having an affair in the long run.
You'll still distrust your partner for a while (out of sheer habit), but find the strength to start acting as if you believe them. If you've been checking that they really were where they said they've been, then stop doing that. When they tell you they love you, believe them.

2) Easier said than done, but stop comparing yourself to others

Some (not all) jealousy is driven by low self-esteem. "How could they love me? I don't understand how someone like them could be attracted to someone like me!" We none of us are supposed to understand exactly why someone loves us. Does the Mona Lisa painting know why it is so valuable? Of course, you may be able to appreciate attractive qualities in yourself, but consider this:
There are better looking, richer, funnier, smarter, younger people around than just about all of us, but these are qualities of a 'product'. If he or she loves you, it will be because of an extra, indefinable quality you have that they couldn't even explain - some deep part of your humanity they connected to which transcends looks, youth, wealth, and so forth. Some of the most loved people in history have been well down the list when it comes to looks or wealth. Stop trying to 'work out' why they can possibly like you.

3) It might be a terrible thought, but be prepared to lose them

I said that not all jealousy is driven by low self-esteem; and that's right. People with quite high self-esteem can experience intense jealousy if they tend to feel they themselves must always be the centre of things. People like this tend to look at other people as material property. And maybe they just don't want to share that 'property', even as far as letting their partner innocently smile or socialize with another person. Perhaps as a kid they were a little spoilt.
But people are not objects or toys to be constantly guarded. To love someone properly, we need to be prepared to lose them. What? Am I mad? Sounds like it, you might think (and I do have my moments), but hear me out.
Anger, fear, and jealousy drive out love; and love needs a strong dash of fearlessness to flourish. Okay, so you fear losing your loved one to someone else (and possibly fear how this will make you feel about yourself). If you must keep using your imagination, use it to imagine the 'worst' happening and you still being okay; not just surviving, but thriving in this imagined scenario.
Fantasize about how well you'd react, how whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Write down 10 positive ways you'd like to respond and how you'd build your life up even better if this relationship were to end. Fear is much greater when we feel that 'all our eggs are in one basket'. Don't build your whole life around any one person. "How can I live without you?" is too daunting - really imagine how you would, if you had to, live without this person.
But don't leave this list lying around to be found by your partner, as this may start them feeling insecure. :-/

4) Don't - just don't - play games

Jealousy is excruciatingly uncomfortable. People sometimes try to make themselves feel better by trying to get their partner jealous. Don't do this. Flirting with other men or women all the time in front of your partner; constantly saying how attractive, fun, and witty someone you work with is; and going out of your way to talk about past lovers just demeans you and won't make either of you feel better in the long run.
This isn't to say you have to pretend that no other attractive people exist in the world, but you can acknowledge this without using it as relationship ammunition. If your partner is ever unfaithful to you, that is a reflection of them, not you; and if this were to occur, it's better that they don't have the 'ammo' to turn around and say: "Well, you were always talking about..." or "Can you blame me? Because you were always flirting outrageously with the auto repair man (girl who works in the bar)..." Keep your dignity long-term and ditch the game playing.

5) Stop confusing make-believe with reality

Jealousy, like many psychological problems (from hypochondria to paranoia), is driven by the destructive use of the imagination. The imagination is great...if you use it for your own benefit, not if it messes with your mind. Stephen King has a stellar career from making stuff up and writing about it. But he distances himself (thankfully for him!) from stuff he creates in his head. He doesn't believe everything he writes is real just because he imagined it. Right now, I can imagine an alien invasion headed right towards Earth. I can vividly 'see' the pesky aliens about to land the mother ship in my local park, but I don't believe it.
Stop trusting your imagination so much. Think about it:

• Your partner is home later than you thought they were going to be.
• You start to imagine them having an intimate drink with that handsome guy you saw working in her office or that luscious sister of his new gym partner you happened to see one time.
• You become angry, upset, frightened - without having any evidence that what you imagined is real.
• They come home and you react 'weirdly' by being very cold or you have an outburst of anger toward them.
• They become defensive and angry back in turn.

I recall seeing a YouTube video of a dog becoming very angry - with its own leg. The more its leg moved, the angrier it got with it - not realizing that it, the dog, was moving the leg. We laugh when we see a dog do this, but psychologically people do a variation of this all the time.
When you stop getting emotional just because you've imagined something, you'll take a hefty step toward regaining control of that jealousy.

6) Lengthen the leash

Okay, since we're talking canines, here's another dog reference. Start relaxing with lengthening the 'leash'. If your partner wants to spend the weekend with his or her friends, let them. Keeping them 'imprisoned' will only build their desire to escape your possessiveness. Let them have their freedom (and no, this is not the same as letting them walk all over you). If you are out with them, let them chat to their attractive colleague (bearing in mind that they may not find their colleague as attractive as you imagine). If you suspect your partner is trying to make you jealous, then short circuit this by relaxing about it; but how?

7) Use your imagination to make you feel better, not worse

Try this exercise:
Close your eyes and relax. Now think about the type of scenario that makes you the most jealous. Is it knowing your partner is out and you imagining them with someone else? Is it seeing them talking and laughing with someone else?
Now, breathing deeply and focusing on relaxing different parts of your body in turn, just imagine seeing yourself looking calm, relaxed, even disinterested in that type of situation. Because ultimately in life we only have ourselves to answer to, and you can only truly control yourself. Visualize your partner doing all the things that made you feel jealous and see yourself not responding with jealousy, but rather with calm detachment. The more you can do this, the less jealousy will be able to mess with you.

They say money is the root of all evil, and it certainly can be when it comes to your relationship. Money can come between you and your partner and cause irreparable problems. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Couples building a life together have to answer this question: should we have a joint bank account, or should we not? It’s an issue that people tend to have strong opinions about, which is why it’s important to address the subject before you tie the knot.

Is there a right answer to the question? Not necessarily. But I do believe that the idea of a couple sharing a joint account just makes sense. When two people decide to share and build a life together, you should be sharing everything. The good and the bad. Agreeing to have a joint bank account speaks of a couple being completely unified, truly seeing themselves as one. The sense of trust in one another also seems stronger. You’re sharing finances, both of you having equal access to an account where all of your money is deposited. In my opinion, this demonstrates a solid faith in the life you’re planning together.
  This idea of unity is very important, and can help a couple feel closer. But that’s not the only benefit to having a joint account. Another major plus is that it forces you to be more accountable. When you realize that you have to make financial decisions with a partner, you’re not necessarily going to go on a spending spree because the money is shared and an explanation will be required. Or instead of splurging on a purchase, you will discuss it with your partner and decide together if that purchase is needed. And if you’re not the one likely to spend but your partner is, having a joint account will alert you to any potential financial problems. If your partner is spending huge amounts of money, you will know.
 You won’t be surprised when it’s too late. Another serious issue–and a huge point in favour of having a joint account–is the death of a partner. When one partner passes, having a joint account will eliminate much of the headache in accessing your money.
 There have been many cases where partners had separate accounts, and when one passed, that account was frozen.
If there is no Will, people have had to go to court and there’s still no guarantee that your partner’s financial assets will be passed to you at the end of what can be a long and expensive process.

Of course, there are some possible downsides to having a joint account. For some, the idea of having to be financially accountable to a partner will make them feel less independent
. If you’re used to being in charge of your own money, coming together with someone else and having to suddenly explain why you spent $100 here or $400 there might feel belittling to an extent. Perhaps it will also make you feel as though your partner doesn’t completely trust you. If you have a joint account, it’s important not to question the little expenses.

Have a dollar figure that you and your partner accept as okay for personal expenses. Obviously larger purchases will require discussion and a mutual decision, but each person in the relationship should not feel as though they have to ask a prison warden for access to their cash. If you or your partner is the type of person who sweats the small stuff–like a $50 purchase here or there–then perhaps having separate accounts is the best way to go. Some couples do believe in having separate accounts, and successfully run their houses this way.

 They either pay their share of the household expenses from their own accounts, or they have one joint account for the family while maintaining their own separate accounts that are autonomous.

 I don’t think this route is necessarily bad, but it does have its own flaws. For example, when I was married, and before my writing career took off, my husband and I had separate accounts, but did have a small joint account for some mutual expenses. Other than that, I had expenses that I paid monthly and he had expenses that he paid monthly.
Those expenses came from my account and his came from his. But I always felt a sense of inequity. I wasn’t making as much as he was, and there were months that I struggled to be able to even pay the bills from my separate account, and I felt as if I was not “contributing my share.” There wasn’t a sense of unity, that “what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine” sentiment–which was something I craved.

 Perhaps that’s why we’re divorced today. The negative side of having separate accounts is that you don’t always know what your partner is doing. One partner certainly can go on a spending spree that may affect your ultimate credit and the stability of your home without you knowing. And if you decide to divorce, you may not know what your spouse’s assets truly are. Trust me, I’ve heard the horror stories.

Hidden assets to reduce what your partner will have to split with you. You may have vowed to build a life together, but when people split, they can become very vindictive over money. While there is no right answer when it comes to how a couple handles their finances, I do believe that it’s ideal to have a joint account with your partner where the majority of your assets go. If you do maintain your own separate accounts, perhaps that should be for a negligible amount.

 A bit of spending money for shopping, doing your hair, going to a hockey game. From my own personal experience, having most of your money in a separate account while a small amount in the joint account for things like vacations just doesn’t feel like a unified marriage. Whatever you decide, the most important thing is to make that decision before you embark on your life together. Determine what kind of people you are when it comes to your finances.

Are both of you on the same page? Is one person perhaps a nitpicker? Does one have trust issues and would prefer to have independence regarding their finances? Money can cause irreparable problems in a relationship. Try to understand your partner’s motives before judging him or her as untrusting of you. Also, your decision doesn’t have to be set in stone.

 The decision you make at the start of your relationship doesn’t have to remain intact forever. You can always re-evaluate your feelings on the subject in the future. Because the last thing you want is for money to come between you when it doesn’t have to. Figure out what works best for you, and then move forward and be happy. Remember–money is only money, it doesn’t buy happiness, and it doesn’t buy love. And it certainly shouldn’t be the most important thing in your relationship.

DR ISSUES ARIWOOLA