Understanding Relationships and the Source of Emotional Drama

It can be difficult to understand a person we are in relationship with especially when sometimes we don’t even understand ourselves. Why do we feel good about ourselves one moment and bad another? Why does a person change their attitude towards us from one day to the next? Each human is a complex creature whose behavior is driven by emotion, beliefs, point of view, and how much coffee they had that morning.

Combine that with another person who is driven by different emotions, beliefs, point of view, and how much they drank last night and we have an opportunity for emotional drama and chaos. Some call it a roller coaster of emotion while others are calling for relationship help.

If your relationship dynamics have emotional drama what do you do to fix it? Where can you get a relationship help manual so you can begin to understand the dynamics?

As I sought to understand relationship drama (so I could avoid it) I discovered several foundational elements that affect all relationships. It didn’t matter whether it was a love relationship, family relationship or a work relationship all of them were principally driven by six different images. When I understood these six images I could not only make sense of other people’s behavior and emotional reactions, but also my own. For the first time I understood the reasons why I got into an emotionally dramatic relationship and why I stayed as long as I did. When I became aware of these unseen forces I knew where to make the changes to avoid the roller coaster of emotion that I had been on.

The original concept for this material comes from a talk by my mentor Mr Bolaji Amusan. But it wasn’t until a vision three years later in the state desert that I fully realized the power these six illusions have in creating a matrix of emotional drama in peoples' lives.

To get an overview with examples look at the diagrams and listen to the audio clips of how these six images drive our emotions, behaviors, and decisions in relationships. The audio clips are blue buttons. For more detail read the description below.

It is through awareness of how we trap ourselves that we can begin to get out of the drama. The most amazing potential offered by this awareness is the possibility of living outside the illusions of the Relationship Matrix. That experience is lived authentically in the heart with the emotion of love and respect.

False images of ourselves and each other form the basis for emotional reactions
If we want to make permanent meaningful changes in our relationship dynamics, we should address the real cause – the images we carry in our minds of ourselves, and each other.

We don’t have just one self-image - we have many, and our emotional behaviors in relationships, and how we feel about ourselves, arise from these images. This gets even more complicated when we consider that the other person in the relationship has behaviors and agreements driven by their self images. These images exist as belief structures in the mind and are often difficult to see in the beginning, but as you develop awareness, it becomes easier.

In order to see these images, start by noticing your thinking, internal dialogue, and what you say about yourself and other people. These comments are clues to the images that lie below the surface of normal awareness. I’ve added some diagrams and woven a story to give you a visual picture of the structure between two people. For this example I’ll use a relationship between a man and a woman.
The layers of illusions that create emotional drama dynamics in a relationship. 
Let’s begin with the man’s side of the story. Enter Phil. Phil will play the man’s role in the relationship. We must first understand that the Phil doesn’t come alone. What comes with him is a set of beliefs, stories, and images in his mind. That set of beliefs includes images of who Phil believes he is. We could say that every story about him self has an image associated with it.

Some images Phil has fall into the category of “not good enough.” They include failure, loser, not smart enough, not good looking enough, not rich enough, not powerful enough, not good enough in bed, not ______ (fill in the blank) enough. These images can be found in any story Phil has about himself where he compares himself to someone else and doesn’t measure up, or doesn’t feel that he measures up to his own expectations. These beliefs are what create an image of low self esteem that Phil wants to keep hidden. It’s not who Phil really is, just a false Hidden Image that he sometimes believes he is.

We call it Hidden because it’s generally the aspects he doesn’t want anyone else to see. Often it is associated with the emotions of unworthiness, powerlessness, shame, and guilt. When Phil is in this belief paradigm he often looks at things from a Victim point of view.

But Phil comes with other self images also. He has a long list of what he is “supposed to be.” This is his inventory collected over the years of all the things that he should do or be to be “perfect,” or “good enough.” When Phil thinks and believes of himself as a success, winner, handsome, smart, hero, kind of guy he creates these images in his mind. His beliefs about what he “should be” may contain images something like this.
These images are what Phil would “like to be” or believes he “should be”. Often he may really feel he is meeting his expectations. The projected image is what Phil would like others to see him as. When he meets someone new, or someone important to him, he puts his best image forward. Let’s call it his Image of Perfection, and it is what his Inner Judge in his mind holds as the standard.

These are his images of “success” and “winner.” When Phil doesn’t believe he is “good enough,” it is because he doesn’t feel he meets these standards in his mind. This often results in low self-esteem, low confidence, and a feeling of inadequacy. The result is that Phil feels like one of the “not good enough” hidden images in his mind. The emotions Phil feels are usually the result of comparing himself to the Hidden Image or the Projected Perfect Image. The image he believes he fits at the time determines how he feels about himself.

Not only does Phil feel like the character image he believes at the time, but he looks at the world around him from that viewpoint as well, when he holds that belief. Phil’s point of view shifts to the Image he believes in at the time. For example, when Phil has failed at something, he feels like a failure. But he also looks at the world through the eyes of a failure. We could call this a Victim point of view. From a Victim/Failure perspective even his successes are meaningless and unimportant – there is always some inadequacy in his best accomplishments.

When he believes he is a successful winner, his point of view shifts to see things from that Projected Image of Perfection. From this point of view he doesn’t look at his failings and see a failure. He sees someone that was building character to become a success. All interpretations from this point of view defend the Perfect Projected Image.

Phil’s emotional state is formed from a combination of Belief, Self Image, and Point of View. Since these essentially come as a package, changing one requires changing all three.
Just for the record, a person might hold two different images of himself at the same time, and therefore have two different points of view and experience two different emotional states at the same time. When this is happening we may have two different stories fighting it out in our mind. The first story insists that we did something wrong. The second story defends our image and points out how we were right. Both sides of the conflict have fabricated false self images, which mean that neither version represents our authentic self.
Neither of these Images are Phil. Phil is not the Failure or the Success. He is the person that creates and believes, or doesn’t believe, these images in his mind.   He is the one that gives them power or does not give them power to define who he is. I describe this dynamic with an example of how it affects us emotionally in our lives. 
Example of how we feel about ourselves based on image (mp3 10 min)   Have a listen.
Audio may take 2-3 minutes to load
But this is a story of relationship drama and it doesn’t stop here.
There is something completely unexpected that happens, now -- a woman shows up on the scene. Let’s call her Francis. Francis sees Phil, meets him, and…
in meeting him she makes her assessment, adds appropriate descriptive words to her mental image, and in a short time, she forms an impression of him. She creates an image in her mind of who Phil is. Is it an accurate image?  No. It’s a false image of Phil according to how she sees him. Where is the image? It is in Francis’ mind. When Francis thinks of Phil she sees her version of him. Her version is false. It is made up, imagined, not real, artificial. I call that version Faux Phil.
To Francis Faux Phil may look like...
Whenever Francis describes Phil or talks about him to her friends, she is actually describing Faux Phil. Other people see Phil differently. They have their own Faux Phil images according to their interpretation. No two people have exactly the same Faux Phil image, including Phil himself.

Who is Francis?

We should note here that Francis probably didn’t show up on the scene without some beliefs about her self as well. Her beliefs about herself are found in the stories she has in her mind. In areas where she feels inadequate or not “good enough” she has created images in her mind about who she is. Francis has aspects of herself that she doesn’t want others to see. Francis’ Hidden Image is found in what she doesn’t want others to know about her.

These self images reside within her internal dialogue about not being smart enough, what her body looks like, not being pretty enough, or doing well enough financially or professionally. These stories are predominately told from the Victim point of view.

To have our attention in these beliefs and this point of view without awareness is emotionally painful.
In order to compensate for her “not good enough” image, and the feelings it creates, Francis imagines herself as a beautiful successful winner. She works extra hard to be her “best.” It’s what she really “wants,” and what she really believes she should be. It’s also how she would like other people to see her. She projects all the attributes of the Perfect Image to the world. Francis might believe that if she could be “Perfect” then she would be happy. She tries hard to be “Perfect” because she wants to be happy. Unfortunately, she has multiple images in her mind of what "Perfect" is, depending on the situation.
At times she feels like the person she tries to be. At other times she struggles with the conflicting self-images of “not good enough.” And at times she may even feel like she doesn’t really know who she is, because she doesn’t’ believe in any of the images that her imagination offers.
It’s very likely that these different self-images may create some stories in her mind when she meets a man like Phil. Francis wants to make a good impression. She wants him to see her best side, or should we say her best False Projected Image. This might make for all sorts of stress about what to wear and what her hair looks like. The fear part is about hiding the Hidden Image.
But I digress. This is a boy meets girl story, and it must continue.
When Phil meets Francis he doesn’t see into her mind. He doesn’t see Francis the way Francis sees her images. He doesn’t see her Projected Image. He might not even see that she is projecting. Phil forms an impression of Francis based on his own likes and dislikes. He may like things about her that she doesn’t believe she has. He may like things about Francis that she would rather keep hidden. Maybe he doesn’t notice anything about Francis that needs hiding. Phil has his own criteria for liking and not liking someone that are separate from Francis’ criteria.
Phil forms an impression of Francis in his mind based on the way he sees her from his own point of view. Phil creates an image in his mind of who Francis is. That image exists only in his mind.
Phil creates his own Faux Francis. To Phil Faux Francis may look like this…
So what if they met at the gym.
How Phil sees Francis has nothing to do with how anybody else sees her. It doesn’t even have to match up with how Francis sees her self.
Are you following all this?
By now, you may think you need a playbook to keep track of the players in the field of relationship imagination. Individually one of these elements makes a lot of sense. But what happens when all the False Images are going on at once? Let me put it all in one place for you. A typical relationship is between two people, and their six False Images that influence their behaviors and emotions.
The false image illusions in the imagination may look something like this.


Understanding Relationships using the Six False Images
It might be difficult to relate this diagram to real life scenarios.  I provide an example as to how these six images affect our emotions, behaviors, and choices in relationships. They form the underlying core to problems and emotional drama that we experience in relationship.  Have a listen to this example as a woman struggles with her boyfriend in relationship.
The Relationship Matrix Example (MP3 - 9 min)
Audio may take 2-3 minutes to load...
In Summary these are the images of Phil in the relationship:
1. Phil has an image of himself that relates to low self esteem and insecurity. He wants to keep this hidden.
2. Phil projects an image of confidence in which he tries to make a good impression and stress his strengths. This is his Image of Perfection that he projects.
3. Faux Phil. This is how Francis sees Phil. Francis has her own understanding of who Phil is in her life and who he isn’t. This is different from how Phil sees himself.
These are the images of Francis in the relationship:
4. Francis has an image of her self associated with her insecurities. This image is imbedded in her stories of self criticism and how “she thinks” others might judge her. She wants to keep these issues hidden to avoid judgment and rejection.
5. Francis projects an image of perfection of all her best features and strengths. The belief is that this will get her acceptance and love. This is the image she projects.
6. Faux Francis. This is how Phil actually sees Francis. Phil forms his impression of Francis based on what he likes and dislikes about her. This is different from what Francis likes and dislikes about her self-images.
This makes for six false images operating in their relationship. Each one plays a part in how their emotions are generated. Each one influences or drives them to certain behaviors and emotional reactions. And all of the six are imaginary.
A simple example of the emotional dynamics this might create:Phil and Francis are driving to an event together. Phil feels he should drive because this is what a man is “supposed” to do (Projected Image). Phil proposes that he do the driving.
Francis is insecure in her Hidden Image about her sense of direction and getting lost. Francis interprets Phil’s proposal to mean that Phil doesn’t want her to drive because of her inadequacy. (Not Phil’s reasoning at all.) Francis Victim is offended by Phil’s offer. (Hidden Image Dynamic) She doesn’t say anything because she wants to project that it is no big deal. (Projected Image to cover up the Hidden Image.)
Phil ends up doing the driving. In his mind she (Faux Francis) is thankful to not be burdened. The real Francis feels insulted by Faux Phil.
Phil ends up getting lost on the way to the event. In his mind he feels like a failure and judges himself as “stupid” for making the wrong turn. (Hidden Image belief with a Victim point of view.)
Francis still feels inadequate from Phil’s comment. Francis uses the opportunity to jump into a superior role of being right (her Projected Image) and criticizes Phil about being lost. Telling a story where she is right is a way to get out of her “not good enough” feeling. For a moment in her imagination she feels superior to Phil.
Because of a strong Image of Perfection of what he should be, Phil believes her criticism. His Victim does the interpretation that she is right. In his mind, her comment reinforces his belief that he is “not good enough.” Phil feels more hurt because she now sees him as “stupid” as well. This also reinforces the belief that he is failing to meet his Image of Perfection.
Francis reflects on her comment to Phil and concludes that it was uncalled for. She feels like a failure for not living up to her own Image of Perfection. She specifically judges herself for the criticizing comment and feels guilty. (Hidden Image Victim point of view is reinforced).
She also assumes that Phil is judging her for the comment. The assumption that Phil is judging her is taking place in her imagination, where it is actually Faux Phil. She is imagining that Faux Phil is judging her, even though the real Phil isn’t judging her at all. The real Phil is in his Victim point of view, as he interprets that she is right for calling him stupid.
Francis and Phil have made assumptions about what the other thinks, and their assumptions are played out by their Faux Character projections in their own minds. They are both wrong in their assumptions, but having real emotional reactions based on them. They do not see that their emotions are being created by their belief in their False Images of themselves.
The chain reaction in the relationship can continue. Their stories and emotions end up getting bounced around the Six False Images like a pin ball against electric bumpers. This is just a small example of how the False Self-Images are at the core of the emotional dynamics.
What is the way out of this emotional dynamic of False Images?
This type of emotional drama can continue in our own relationships until we realize one very important thing -- these images are all made up! They are fictional. We are reacting to the movie in our imagination. The only power behind these images and their stories is the belief we give them. It is only because we believe these stories and images that we react emotionally. When we don’t believe in these False Images, we eliminate the emotional reactions.
It is important to note that it is more than just the belief and the image that makes for this dynamic. Integral to this dynamic is the point of view. The Judge essentially sees things from the Image of Perfection point of view. The Victim sees things from the Hidden Image point of view*. If we are to change the dynamic of our relationships, it is not enough to change our beliefs. We will also have to shift our point of view out of the Judge and Victim.
When we change our point of view and no longer believe in the images and the stories, we can eliminate all the emotional drama in our relationships. Without these False Images driving our reactions we can easily change our behaviors and our emotional reactions.
When we dissolve the False Images of ourselves we become authentic. We no longer reject ourselves based on a Hidden Image. We accept ourselves just the way we are. We don’t try to be that Image of Perfection in the imagination. We don’t need to be that False Image in order to find ourselves worthy of love.
When the False Images dissolve our mind is no longer split into different images of what we are and what we “should” be. Without this conflict in the mind we become whole again and recover our Emotional Integrity.
When we are authentic and live our relationships with awareness we don’t make false assumptions about the other person. We don’t expect them to act according to our Faux Character. Without those expectations we are never disappointed or angry with them for being who they are. We see them the way they are and we respect and accept them the way they are. Our love for them is unconditional because we don’t expect them to fit our image.
By the same token their love for us is not based on an image of who they think we are. Because their love is unconditional we can be completely free to be ourselves. A relationship that is authentic becomes a place where you can love with no expectations, and you are loved with no conditions.
To gain the awareness so that you can exit the relationship matrix of drama consider the Pathway Audio Coaching Course.  It will show you how to stay out of the illsion game of relationships.   The sessions teach you how to identify the the roles and behaviors of drama and break the beliefs in the false images that drive them
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Making your relationship a success can be hard work, no matter how long you have been with
your partner. It is all too easy for a couple to allow busy lives and other commitments to push
them apart rather than bring them together. Having a strong relationship with your man means a
lot of talking, but also communicating on his level. Tailoring your strategies to who he is as a
man bodes well for you and your relationship.INSTRUCTIONS...
STEP 1

Communicate with your partner regularly. An honest and open relationship is essential for
strengthening the bond you have with each other. If you have concerns or worries tell your
partner about them so you can work together to resolve them. Being dishonest or keeping
secrets may cause a rift in your relationship.
STEP 2
Handle disagreements. No couple will agree with each other all the time and a little conflict is to
be expected. If you do not agree with him or if he has made you angry, tell him your feelings in a
way that is not degrading or humiliating to him. Be direct and use a problem solving approach,
which many men adopt in communication.
STEP 3
Make sure you both have your own set of friends and interests rather than doing things together
all the time.Spending time in the company of your partner constantly can make your relationship
stale and boring. Having separate interests respects his desire for independence, a trait many
men share. Rather than bring you closer together this can actually push you both apart if you are
feeling suffocated.
STEP 4
Make sure you are affectionate with your partner; show him how you feel by touch as well as
telling him. Kisses and cuddles are often forgotten in a relationship the longer you are together.
Your touch is important to your man -- according to a 2012 article in the "Personality and Social
Psychology Bulletin," men often show love through physical intimacy in relationships. This
behavior shows that they value your touch and it can be a tool in strengthening your
relationship. Being affectionate towards each other will improve confidence both in yourselves
and in your relationship.
STEP 5
Listen to your partner and respect his beliefs and ideas even if they are different to your own.
Accept that any annoying little habits he has are just a part of him and understand he accepts
you for what you are in return. Relationships are about working together and seeing beyond each
other’s minor imperfections.
Set a small amount of time each day to one side so your partner and you can talk, even if it is
just to discuss the events of your day. Explore new interests together, consider taking up a
completely new hobby that you can learn to do together.

Over time,I ve discussed matter on this topic,I think its high time we addressed the issue......its all about joint account....To what extent can u operate a joint account?can u operate it with your spouse?is there any trust on operating this account?you comment will be highly appreciated.....
having one bank account also allows each spouse to have access to money when they need it.
Joint accounts usually provide each account holder with a debit card, a checkbook and the
ability to make deposits and withdraw funds. With banks that provide such services, each
account holder also receives online access to account information and tools, further simplifying
the process of keeping track of money.
Some legal affairs are also streamlined with joint bank accounts. In the event that one spouse
passes away, the other spouse will retain access to the funds in a joint account without having to
refer to a will or go through the legal system to claim the money. Depending on the state and
local laws, the surviving spouse may have to go through a lengthy legal process to claim money
in a separate account.
Drawbacks of a Joint Account
Couples may not feel comfortable with the loss of financial independence that comes with a joint
bank account, especially early in the marriage. With separate accounts, each spouse maintains
their own finances and is only responsible for paying their share of the joint bills. If one or both
spouses feel more at ease knowing they have their own money to do with as they please, pooling
the money in a joint bank account can cause friction in the marriage.
Joint bank accounts can also cause issues in a marriage when spouses fail to inform each other
about their account activity. The convenience of joint access to funds in the account can also
cause overdrafts and bounced checks if one partner makes an unexpected withdrawal or
payment. If one spouse is less financially responsible than the other, separate accounts keep
much of the damage contained to one spouse’s finances.
Problems may also arise when one spouse enters the marriage with student loans, credit cards,
alimony, child support or other debt that must now being paid with joint funds. This situation can
often cause resentment in the other spouse, who becomes responsible for paying the debt as
well. For this reason, couples should discuss their separate debts in detail before deciding on
which kind of banking works best for them.
If the couple decides to separate, the funds in a joint account can be messy to separate. Each
spouse has every right to withdraw money and close the account without the consent of the
other, and one party can easily leave the other penniless. Separate bank accounts prevent that
scenario and can allow for an easier break that often doesn’t involve a long fight to fully
separate the finances.
Other Options
Married couples can choose to maintain separate accounts and also open a joint account in
which they deposit a portion of their income. This provides the benefits of a joint account and
the independence of divided finances. Couples can also chose to keep separate checking
accounts and start a joint savings account for vacations, down payment for a home, kids’ college
tuition, or retirement.
Couples should discuss whether to have a joint bank account or not as early in the marriage as
possible, if not before the wedding. Examining the benefits and drawbacks of all the options will
help lay a strong financial foundation and ensure that each spouse is on the same page. Couples
should also revisit their decision every so often to make sure their strategy still works for them.

16 TRUTHS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN
1 – The way to a man’s heart is no longer his stomach but the quality of your brain.
2 – If your man must be Tall, Dark and Handsome then be ready to be the 2nd best because what you desire, others’ seek too.
...

3 – If you allow your parents’ pressure push you into marriage, you may end up a single- mom.
4 – A man that slaps you before marriage will build a boxing ring after marriage. Guess who his opponent will be – YOU!
5 – If you are yet to know any member of his family after 12 months of courting him, then, is either he wants you as his baby-mama or a back-up plan.
6 – If what attracted him to you are your bosoms and the sexy legs you flaunted, the contents of your brain had better keep him, else, there are too many well-rounded and bigger bosoms waiting to snatch him away.
7 – Men love sex, at least 90% that I’m aware of. So don’t be surprised when he asks you for sex the first day you visit him. But learn to say NO without feeling guilty. If he insists, leave him and keep looking for a man within the 10% that can love and grow the relationship without necessarily disturbing you for sex. Be careful!
8 – If he doesn’t discuss future plans with you in the picture, he just wants a fling.
9 – Even when you trust each other, a little jealousy reminds him that you care.
10 – Men love a listener. No matter how much you want your opinion to push through, listen to his details and don’t counter them.
11 – When you are already living with him before marriage, he won’t propose quickly, you can only become his baby mama; because he won’t pay for the cow where he is getting the milk free of charge.
12 – Don’t waste your years waiting for an unserious man to propose just because his parents loves you, you’re going to be married and living with the man, not his parents.
13 – When you seek his advice, you make him feel more of a man than he is.
14 – Your encouragement or concern about his career or job works faster than listening to a motivational tape.
15 – An engagement ring isn’t an assurance for marriage; it could possibly make you his regular sex-mate if you are not careful.
16 – Don’t endure domestic abuse in a marriage because of your kids and what people will say. If you die as a result, the man, the people and the kids will bid you dust-to-dust, he will marry another woman and she will take your place as the mother of your kids. It’s that simple! Ladies re-read this piece and tell me which one of the above hit you most???

Ariwoola Temitayo

 

Courting is not the same as dating. The purpose, value, or meaning of courting is often misunderstood in today’s society. Courting is step two on the road to marriage (with step one being dating). 23 Things You Need To Know About Dating
Contemporary courtship is when couples decide to move into a deeper friendship and relationship, with marriage being the end goal. When courting is present, two people have agreed together as one to intentionally and deliberately say, “we are courting to get married.” They have moved past simply getting to know each other without sex, physical touch, or expectation and to a place of deeper purpose and exploration.
You can enter dating with the goal of marriage, but marriage should not be your initial focus; getting to know people should be your focus. Dating and courting in healthy ways will eliminate 85% of our pain, drama, or problems in dealing with men or women. The goal of dating is to discover and share information before entering into a committed, devoted, and long-term relationship. What people typically do is hang out, have sex, start a relationship and then try to get to know someone.
When courtship is the goal, your main intent is to get married.
Here are 27 things you need to know about courtship:
1. Courtship is not about playing, doubt, or uncertainty. In this stage, you are about getting married. Only enter courtship when you are ready to marry.
2. A courtship doesn’t have to develop into marriage because a couple can decide they are not for each other and simply remain friends, which is perfectly OK.
3. In courtship, you are both praying together and seeking God to lead the relationship in the right direction.
4. Courtship will not happen many times in your life, assuming you are approaching relationships from a healthy perspective. Remember, courtship is where you are exploring a deeper relationship with marriage being the goal. So, you will not be doing this often if you are approaching the dating stage with healthy boundaries. 23 Things You Need To Know About Dating
5. Dating is a temporary place and should be a safe place for getting to know someone. Courting is for a loving and secure relationship.
6. Courtship is not for the spiritually and emotionally immature.
7. Sex is not for courtship. Sex should be a gift of marriage.
8. Courtship is for positive intentions.
9. Courtship is done with the goal of having a future spouse.
10. You should not enter into a courtship until you can be happy alone and not attempting to heal emotional wounds through a relationship.
11. Courtship is a selfless relationship. If you are a selfish person, you should not even have a serious relationship until you are mature enough to share life with someone without seeking to gain something for yourself.
12. Selfishness should not drive a marriage, nor should it be the driver of your courtship. (Philippians 2:3)
13. For the men who are reading this, your focus should be on becoming an Ephesians 5 man. (Ephesians 5:25)
14. You should treat the man or woman you are in a courtship with as your brother or sister. (1 Timothy 5:1-2)
15. If you can’t see yourself marrying the person you are dating, delay the courtship. Only enter into courtship with someone you would consider marrying.
16. Courtship is when you should meet and spend time with each other’s family.
17. Courtship requires the couple to be honest and transparent so both can make a choice about life together.
18. A successful courtship requires love, prayer, patience, and oneness.
19. You should avoid hiding your feelings during courtship.
20. The habits you form during your courtship will bleed over into your marriage.
21. A healthy courtship should bring the best out of you.
22. A healthy courtship has strong communication.
23. Courtship is where you can become best friends. We all know the best relationships or marriages happen when couples are best friends.
24. Pray for discernment concerning your courtship and the potential for marriage.
25. When in courtship take time to discern God’s will. No rushing…..
26. Courtship will help a couple determine if they should get married.
27. Only enter courtship with someone you would consider marrying

RULES TO FALLING IN LOVE


1. Don’t go into a relationship with your heaven closed
Let God lead you in your relationship before it leads to marriage, at most you can only know the “container” you can’t know the “content”. Only God knows what is inside, many only make judgment base on the outside. Unfortunately, you will live the rest of your life with the content.
2. Don’t go into a relationship with your eyes closed
Open your eyes, don’t close it. Love is not blind, not at all, if you close your eyes to obvious flaws now, they may floor your life tomorrow.
3. Don’t go into a relationship with your mouth closed
Open your mouth and ask questions. Query your beloved, don’t be too much in love that you fail to ask the right questions.
Ask him or her about his or her health status, educational background, past relationship, job, money, habits, vision for the future, indebtedness, family obligations, past success and failures etc.
4. Don’t go into a relationship with your mind without taking your brain along
Be wise, don’t base your relationship on emotion, use your common sense, if he does not love you, then let your legs speak on your behalf.
Don’t beg to be loved, if he beat you in courtship, he may become a boxer in marriage, guess who his opponent will be? You!
5. Don’t go into a relationship with pretense
Be yourself, don’t pretend. Don’t be a masquerade, don’t deceive anybody to love you, don’t cover your broken or crack pots with wax, fire will expose it. Base your future on the truth, never live on lies, dishonesty and misrepresentation.
6. Don’t go into a relationship without investigation
He speaks sweetly, his oratory power is incomparable, he looks smooth and seems to have answer to every question. Don’t be carried away, carry out your investigations. She may look beautiful, with straight legs, spotless body, angelic voice, clean skin, with figure-eight body, looking sheepish, cool and calm. Hmmmmm, don’t fall for that, these features don’t last, investigate her carefully and know what you are going into.
7. Don’t go into a relationship against wise counsel
Everybody seems to be against him. All your friends seems to hate her. Your siblings, pastor, parents, mentors etc. seems to have a reservation about her, they all are saying the same thing, they don’t want you to marry that fellow.
To you, they are all wrong, “I know what am doing” you say. That will be dangerous for you in the future if you don’t listen to wise counsel today, you may have many things to regret tomorrow.
8. Don’t base your marital choice on material things
He has money, he walks in a reputable organisation, her father is very rich, she is an American Citizen. Don’t base your marital choice on things that will not last, it always ends in regret.
9. Don’t beg to be loved, Don’t pay for love
You need not beg that man to love you, you need not pay for that lady to love you.
Hey girl, you are beautiful enough to be loved. Don’t pay for it, don’t beg for it. If he does not love you naturally, you will be hurting your future by ‘bribing’ him to love you.
If that lady does not love you, let her go. You know that her mind is with someone else but you want to pay your way into her heart. You may regret later. Let love be mutual, let it be natural, let it come from the mind of the lover, don’t stuff it into his or her head. If you do, after some time it will be all over and you will be back in square one.

Ariwoola Temitayo

 

Do you know u can make a strong start to the incredible journey of marriage..a single word/ministration could unravel the mystery behind the sucess of a fulfiling marriage....
He who knows the right path could make your path right...
Consult us for a nice singles talk show...
Remember,ON ISSUES,YOUR GLADNESS IS OUR HAPPINESS.......
Dr Issues,
08060998924,08154652800,08023460875

Ariwoola Temitayo

3 things in life that never come back when gone:
-⌚Time
-Words
-Opportunity
3 things in life that should never be lost:...
-Peace
-Hope
-Honesty
3 things in life that are most valuable:
-💕Love
-Faith
-Prayer
3 things that make a person:
-Hardwork
-Sincerity
-Commitment
3 things that can destroy a person:
-Lust
-Pride
-Anger
3 things in life that are constant:
-Change
-Death
-God
3 people who love you and who will never leave you alone:
- The Almighty God
- The Mother
- The Legitimate Child
I asked God for these three things:
- To bless you
- To guide you
- To ALWAYS protect you
Send this to all the people who you want God to Bless, with these three things!!
Don't just read, share it with people you care for.

                       16 TRUTHS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN


1 – The way to a man’s heart is no longer his stomach but the quality of your brain.
2 – If your man must be Tall, Dark and Handsome then be ready to be the 2nd best because what you desire, others’ seek too.
...

3 – If you allow your parents’ pressure push you into marriage, you may end up a single- mom.
4 – A man that slaps you before marriage will build a boxing ring after marriage. Guess who his opponent will be – YOU!
5 – If you are yet to know any member of his family after 12 months of courting him, then, is either he wants you as his baby-mama or a back-up plan.
6 – If what attracted him to you are your bosoms and the sexy legs you flaunted, the contents of your brain had better keep him, else, there are too many well-rounded and bigger bosoms waiting to snatch him away.
7 – Men love sex, at least 90% that I’m aware of. So don’t be surprised when he asks you for sex the first day you visit him. But learn to say NO without feeling guilty. If he insists, leave him and keep looking for a man within the 10% that can love and grow the relationship without necessarily disturbing you for sex. Be careful!
8 – If he doesn’t discuss future plans with you in the picture, he just wants a fling.
9 – Even when you trust each other, a little jealousy reminds him that you care.
10 – Men love a listener. No matter how much you want your opinion to push through, listen to his details and don’t counter them.
11 – When you are already living with him before marriage, he won’t propose quickly, you can only become his baby mama; because he won’t pay for the cow where he is getting the milk free of charge.
12 – Don’t waste your years waiting for an unserious man to propose just because his parents loves you, you’re going to be married and living with the man, not his parents.
13 – When you seek his advice, you make him feel more of a man than he is.
14 – Your encouragement or concern about his career or job works faster than listening to a motivational tape.
15 – An engagement ring isn’t an assurance for marriage; it could possibly make you his regular sex-mate if you are not careful.
16 – Don’t endure domestic abuse in a marriage because of your kids and what people will say. If you die as a result, the man, the people and the kids will bid you dust-to-dust, he will marry another woman and she will take your place as the mother of your kids. It’s that simple! Ladies re-read this piece and tell me which one of the above hit you most???

What does jealousy in a relationship mean?

At the root of jealousy lies fear of loss. Like many jealous partners, Kevin feared loss of their relationship, loss of self-respect, even loss of 'face' fearing how his friends would see him if he were to be 'made a fool of'. Fear makes for feelings of insecurity.
When fear lessens, so does jealousy. More than feelings of fear, jealousy also leads to a smorgasbord of other emotions such as anger, hate of love 'rivals', disgust (sometimes self-disgust), and hopelessness.
So why might a person be jealous? Kevin's ex-wife had cheated on him and he felt he'd never got over this. 'Once bitten, twice shy', he was now creating imaginary threats. We're told it's great to have 'a good imagination', but he was using his to torment himself.
Of course, if your partner is continually sexually active with other people, then jealousy is totally justified. And perhaps the whole relationship needs to be re-evaluated.
But here I want to focus on helping you if you feel unduly jealous (that's to say, there is no real or proper evidence that your partner is or has been unfaithful to you). These tips also focus on sexual jealousy rather than, say, being jealous of the amount of time your partner spends with their mother or kids.
So how can we start to break the jealousy cycle, reclaim self-control, and stop driving our partners and ourselves crazy?

1) It may sound trite, but how about you believe your partner?

Yes, take them at their word. If they do lie to you, then they are not making a fool out of anyone but themselves - remember that. It's been said that trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. It's very insulting for your partner to have you always doubting their word or decency of behaviour. Constant questioning by you can even be as destructive as having an affair in the long run.
You'll still distrust your partner for a while (out of sheer habit), but find the strength to start acting as if you believe them. If you've been checking that they really were where they said they've been, then stop doing that. When they tell you they love you, believe them.

2) Easier said than done, but stop comparing yourself to others

Some (not all) jealousy is driven by low self-esteem. "How could they love me? I don't understand how someone like them could be attracted to someone like me!" We none of us are supposed to understand exactly why someone loves us. Does the Mona Lisa painting know why it is so valuable? Of course, you may be able to appreciate attractive qualities in yourself, but consider this:
There are better looking, richer, funnier, smarter, younger people around than just about all of us, but these are qualities of a 'product'. If he or she loves you, it will be because of an extra, indefinable quality you have that they couldn't even explain - some deep part of your humanity they connected to which transcends looks, youth, wealth, and so forth. Some of the most loved people in history have been well down the list when it comes to looks or wealth. Stop trying to 'work out' why they can possibly like you.

3) It might be a terrible thought, but be prepared to lose them

I said that not all jealousy is driven by low self-esteem; and that's right. People with quite high self-esteem can experience intense jealousy if they tend to feel they themselves must always be the centre of things. People like this tend to look at other people as material property. And maybe they just don't want to share that 'property', even as far as letting their partner innocently smile or socialize with another person. Perhaps as a kid they were a little spoilt.
But people are not objects or toys to be constantly guarded. To love someone properly, we need to be prepared to lose them. What? Am I mad? Sounds like it, you might think (and I do have my moments), but hear me out.
Anger, fear, and jealousy drive out love; and love needs a strong dash of fearlessness to flourish. Okay, so you fear losing your loved one to someone else (and possibly fear how this will make you feel about yourself). If you must keep using your imagination, use it to imagine the 'worst' happening and you still being okay; not just surviving, but thriving in this imagined scenario.
Fantasize about how well you'd react, how whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Write down 10 positive ways you'd like to respond and how you'd build your life up even better if this relationship were to end. Fear is much greater when we feel that 'all our eggs are in one basket'. Don't build your whole life around any one person. "How can I live without you?" is too daunting - really imagine how you would, if you had to, live without this person.
But don't leave this list lying around to be found by your partner, as this may start them feeling insecure. :-/

4) Don't - just don't - play games

Jealousy is excruciatingly uncomfortable. People sometimes try to make themselves feel better by trying to get their partner jealous. Don't do this. Flirting with other men or women all the time in front of your partner; constantly saying how attractive, fun, and witty someone you work with is; and going out of your way to talk about past lovers just demeans you and won't make either of you feel better in the long run.
This isn't to say you have to pretend that no other attractive people exist in the world, but you can acknowledge this without using it as relationship ammunition. If your partner is ever unfaithful to you, that is a reflection of them, not you; and if this were to occur, it's better that they don't have the 'ammo' to turn around and say: "Well, you were always talking about..." or "Can you blame me? Because you were always flirting outrageously with the auto repair man (girl who works in the bar)..." Keep your dignity long-term and ditch the game playing.

5) Stop confusing make-believe with reality

Jealousy, like many psychological problems (from hypochondria to paranoia), is driven by the destructive use of the imagination. The imagination is great...if you use it for your own benefit, not if it messes with your mind. Stephen King has a stellar career from making stuff up and writing about it. But he distances himself (thankfully for him!) from stuff he creates in his head. He doesn't believe everything he writes is real just because he imagined it. Right now, I can imagine an alien invasion headed right towards Earth. I can vividly 'see' the pesky aliens about to land the mother ship in my local park, but I don't believe it.
Stop trusting your imagination so much. Think about it:

• Your partner is home later than you thought they were going to be.
• You start to imagine them having an intimate drink with that handsome guy you saw working in her office or that luscious sister of his new gym partner you happened to see one time.
• You become angry, upset, frightened - without having any evidence that what you imagined is real.
• They come home and you react 'weirdly' by being very cold or you have an outburst of anger toward them.
• They become defensive and angry back in turn.

I recall seeing a YouTube video of a dog becoming very angry - with its own leg. The more its leg moved, the angrier it got with it - not realizing that it, the dog, was moving the leg. We laugh when we see a dog do this, but psychologically people do a variation of this all the time.
When you stop getting emotional just because you've imagined something, you'll take a hefty step toward regaining control of that jealousy.

6) Lengthen the leash

Okay, since we're talking canines, here's another dog reference. Start relaxing with lengthening the 'leash'. If your partner wants to spend the weekend with his or her friends, let them. Keeping them 'imprisoned' will only build their desire to escape your possessiveness. Let them have their freedom (and no, this is not the same as letting them walk all over you). If you are out with them, let them chat to their attractive colleague (bearing in mind that they may not find their colleague as attractive as you imagine). If you suspect your partner is trying to make you jealous, then short circuit this by relaxing about it; but how?

7) Use your imagination to make you feel better, not worse

Try this exercise:
Close your eyes and relax. Now think about the type of scenario that makes you the most jealous. Is it knowing your partner is out and you imagining them with someone else? Is it seeing them talking and laughing with someone else?
Now, breathing deeply and focusing on relaxing different parts of your body in turn, just imagine seeing yourself looking calm, relaxed, even disinterested in that type of situation. Because ultimately in life we only have ourselves to answer to, and you can only truly control yourself. Visualize your partner doing all the things that made you feel jealous and see yourself not responding with jealousy, but rather with calm detachment. The more you can do this, the less jealousy will be able to mess with you.

They say money is the root of all evil, and it certainly can be when it comes to your relationship. Money can come between you and your partner and cause irreparable problems. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Couples building a life together have to answer this question: should we have a joint bank account, or should we not? It’s an issue that people tend to have strong opinions about, which is why it’s important to address the subject before you tie the knot.

Is there a right answer to the question? Not necessarily. But I do believe that the idea of a couple sharing a joint account just makes sense. When two people decide to share and build a life together, you should be sharing everything. The good and the bad. Agreeing to have a joint bank account speaks of a couple being completely unified, truly seeing themselves as one. The sense of trust in one another also seems stronger. You’re sharing finances, both of you having equal access to an account where all of your money is deposited. In my opinion, this demonstrates a solid faith in the life you’re planning together.
  This idea of unity is very important, and can help a couple feel closer. But that’s not the only benefit to having a joint account. Another major plus is that it forces you to be more accountable. When you realize that you have to make financial decisions with a partner, you’re not necessarily going to go on a spending spree because the money is shared and an explanation will be required. Or instead of splurging on a purchase, you will discuss it with your partner and decide together if that purchase is needed. And if you’re not the one likely to spend but your partner is, having a joint account will alert you to any potential financial problems. If your partner is spending huge amounts of money, you will know.
 You won’t be surprised when it’s too late. Another serious issue–and a huge point in favour of having a joint account–is the death of a partner. When one partner passes, having a joint account will eliminate much of the headache in accessing your money.
 There have been many cases where partners had separate accounts, and when one passed, that account was frozen.
If there is no Will, people have had to go to court and there’s still no guarantee that your partner’s financial assets will be passed to you at the end of what can be a long and expensive process.

Of course, there are some possible downsides to having a joint account. For some, the idea of having to be financially accountable to a partner will make them feel less independent
. If you’re used to being in charge of your own money, coming together with someone else and having to suddenly explain why you spent $100 here or $400 there might feel belittling to an extent. Perhaps it will also make you feel as though your partner doesn’t completely trust you. If you have a joint account, it’s important not to question the little expenses.

Have a dollar figure that you and your partner accept as okay for personal expenses. Obviously larger purchases will require discussion and a mutual decision, but each person in the relationship should not feel as though they have to ask a prison warden for access to their cash. If you or your partner is the type of person who sweats the small stuff–like a $50 purchase here or there–then perhaps having separate accounts is the best way to go. Some couples do believe in having separate accounts, and successfully run their houses this way.

 They either pay their share of the household expenses from their own accounts, or they have one joint account for the family while maintaining their own separate accounts that are autonomous.

 I don’t think this route is necessarily bad, but it does have its own flaws. For example, when I was married, and before my writing career took off, my husband and I had separate accounts, but did have a small joint account for some mutual expenses. Other than that, I had expenses that I paid monthly and he had expenses that he paid monthly.
Those expenses came from my account and his came from his. But I always felt a sense of inequity. I wasn’t making as much as he was, and there were months that I struggled to be able to even pay the bills from my separate account, and I felt as if I was not “contributing my share.” There wasn’t a sense of unity, that “what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine” sentiment–which was something I craved.

 Perhaps that’s why we’re divorced today. The negative side of having separate accounts is that you don’t always know what your partner is doing. One partner certainly can go on a spending spree that may affect your ultimate credit and the stability of your home without you knowing. And if you decide to divorce, you may not know what your spouse’s assets truly are. Trust me, I’ve heard the horror stories.

Hidden assets to reduce what your partner will have to split with you. You may have vowed to build a life together, but when people split, they can become very vindictive over money. While there is no right answer when it comes to how a couple handles their finances, I do believe that it’s ideal to have a joint account with your partner where the majority of your assets go. If you do maintain your own separate accounts, perhaps that should be for a negligible amount.

 A bit of spending money for shopping, doing your hair, going to a hockey game. From my own personal experience, having most of your money in a separate account while a small amount in the joint account for things like vacations just doesn’t feel like a unified marriage. Whatever you decide, the most important thing is to make that decision before you embark on your life together. Determine what kind of people you are when it comes to your finances.

Are both of you on the same page? Is one person perhaps a nitpicker? Does one have trust issues and would prefer to have independence regarding their finances? Money can cause irreparable problems in a relationship. Try to understand your partner’s motives before judging him or her as untrusting of you. Also, your decision doesn’t have to be set in stone.

 The decision you make at the start of your relationship doesn’t have to remain intact forever. You can always re-evaluate your feelings on the subject in the future. Because the last thing you want is for money to come between you when it doesn’t have to. Figure out what works best for you, and then move forward and be happy. Remember–money is only money, it doesn’t buy happiness, and it doesn’t buy love. And it certainly shouldn’t be the most important thing in your relationship.

DR ISSUES ARIWOOLA

Over time I've discovered there is no absolute finish line for everyone in the race of life. Our tracks are different and our durations are different. The only thing we have in common is the same empire. For instance, one person graduates @ age 20 and struggles for another 5 years to get a job, another might graduate @ 25 and get a job immediately. One can marry a virgin and wait for the next decade to have the blessing of children, another lady probably after having series of abortions in her past, becomes a mother almost immediately after marriage. A fellow becomes MD @ 38 and dies @ 56, another becomes MD @ 55 and lives to 90. What a life! Life is full of twists, turns, ups and downs and many more surprises and disappointments. Life offers each and everyone of us different opportunities, and once an opportunity is lost, it's gone forever except by the grace of God. It is up to each one of us to patiently prepare, wait, recognise and utilize every opportunity. We learn on the way. No one has it all or knows it all. There is a reason why we all don't fall @ the same time, It's so that when one is down, weak and discouraged, the other who is strong can encourage and lift the other person. God never promises that the road would be easy, but he promised never to leave or forsake us. Although life is complicated, let us learn to go easy on ourselves and trust that God is working it all out for our good (even if it doesn't make sense now). Whatever trials, challenges or down times we face, all shall pass, and in due course, we will be up and strong again to lift up those who may be down around us. NEVER LOOSE HOPE.. Pass this on to your friends to encourage them in their journey called LIFE!.... My name is TEMITAYO

HOW TO AVOID HEARTBREAKS IN RELATIONSHIPS.. 1. Not all relationships must lead to marriage.. Some relationships are either for a reason, a season, and only few are for a lifetime.. If it doesn‘t work as wished/hoped on, then don‘t kill yourself about it, because it was for something.. Atleast, Discover the purpose of that lost relationship, and Move on.. 2. Don‘t give a man or a woman the totality of your heart before giving the totality of your heart to GOD.. Love the pers...on “YES“, but put GOD and yourself “FIRST“.. 3. Don‘t get carried away with BEAUTY/MONEY.. If that person‘s inner person can‘t keep you, then neither can his money or her beauty, keep you too.. 4. Love is never ever enough.. Understanding, compatibility, wisdom, honesty, communication, respect, committment, contentment, patience, and tolerance are extremely important too.. 5. When you see more of Negative signs than Positive signs in it, its better to withdraw your heart before it gets broken.. The truth is, most people see these warning signs, but yet chose to endure endure and endure till they get seriously hurt, dumped and woken up by REALITY.. 6. Extreme jealousy is one of the quickest way to breaking up a relationship.. Insecurity,False assumptions, distrust, blames does this.. 7. Don‘t demand TRUST.. Rather, earn it by building it or showing it.. 8. Never compare your partner to someone else.. Be it your friends‘s good going relationship, or your EX. 9. Your relationship should not only be marriage driven, but Care, love and concerned/interest Driven.. And finally 10. The best way to love a person freely without getting sooooo hurt, is to love him/her without HOPES.. Because, no one can promise you tomorrow,, rather, the Future meets up with our Readiness.. What readiness?, comfortability, choice, and satisfaction.. Dr Issues Ariwoola .